Building my life here too

I had the opportunity to chat with a friend recently about his relationship with his partner. It was a really special experience because I’ve also spoken to his girlfriend recently as well so it was awesome to hear his perspectives.  While this couple has been together for about 4 years, he mentioned that it is his first time dating someone from another country. They met at work and were colleagues and friends initially but the attraction grew to be more. However, they were able to keep it casual at work so that for the first 6 months so other team members didn’t even realize they were in a relationship.

What I appreciated so much from our conversation was how thoughtful my friend’s answers were about each question I asked him and his ability to articulate very deep and profound responses. Something he discussed was how drama free he feels his current relationship to be and that it has been his first real experience of a drama free partnership. He mentioned that he and his partner do have disagreements at times but they’ve committed to talking through them instead of letting misperceptions or issues fester and negatively impact their love. In reflection, he mentioned that this seems different from past relationships where other people’s opinions would influence or sometimes brew up drama as well. He feels that because he lives in the UK and he and his partner have similar personalities and preferences, they are able to talk through hard issues or disagreements respectively. He also noted that he made a very conscious effort to build a life for himself in the UK that was separate and full when starting his relationship with his girlfriend. This was very important to him because he didn’t want to be dependent on her in that way. He wanted to ensure he not only had his own independence but wanted to live in the UK as well, beyond just being in a relationship with a woman who holds British nationality. So eloquently he said “In a multicultural relationship, you may be more prone to problems or challenges in the relationship if you ‘move’ to another country for the other person but don’t create your own life there as well”.

When discussing compromises, my friend mentioned that most couples have to do this constantly. He said he has to judge what to compromise on with his partner and with himself in order to strike a balance. Initially, he was invited to move in with his girlfriend when she bought a flat a few years ago. But he decided he needed some more time to live separately first, not because he didn’t love her but because he needed to define his own life in the UK and wanted to do that before moving in together. Now the two co-habit a cute, cozy two bedroom flat in north London and enjoy it very much. Both have continued to lead their own lives full of friends, activities, and hobbies/passions that keep them busy but obviously enjoy their quality time together as well.  He also mentioned that he and his partner like to plan very differently. She likes to schedule things in advance. He likes to wing it and be spontaneous. In reflecting about his culture, he thinks this is a common practice of Brazilians to wait to the last minute on organizing things. However, while living in the UK, he’s come to realize he has to sometimes commit to things in the future but that they can also still enjoy deciding whether or not to go out on a Friday night just an hour in advance. He describes that his relationship has a lot of flexibility. His partner and he talk things through, especially when it comes to personal/cultural preferences to avoid hurting feelings or making assumptions. Since the two have travelled quite a bit together, they had to discuss how he likes to spend time alone and even travel alone at times. It’s not because he doesn’t love spending time with her, just that he may want to have some down time or visit with friends/family on his own.

We also had some laughs over preference in noise and loud music. It seems he likes to listen to louder, faster music, even later in the evening when his partner would prefer quieter or softer music. He also explained that his partner loves listening to the radio, something he wasn’t as used to doing before living with her. He remarked that there is a lot of acceptance between them and that they have had a lot of conversations since moving in together about preferences. He mentioned that compromise has to go both ways, it cannot always just be committing to doing things one person’s way. You have to be open and accepting to doing and trying new things when in a multicultural relationship.

Thanks as always for your time my friend and sending you and your lovely GF all my love.