I remember fondly a fun afternoon my partner and I spent at Point Reyes beach when I was about six months pregnant. We had walked down the beach, away from the fragrant smells of the elephant seals hanging out by the parking lot, and we were enjoying having fun spending some quality time together outdoors. My husband asked me suddenly a fairly serious question- “Kadi, what will you tell our child when they ask you what color they are?” This question didn’t take me completely by surprise as my partner had mentioned to me recently that he didn’t feel like he was “black” because actually his skin color is brown. I responded something like “I’ll tell them they are the color of milk chocolate or caramel, depending on their actual skin tone.” We continued discussing this topic a little more together and our feelings about how inadequate the definitions of “white” and “black” that we/ most of American society easily uses in daily dialogue when discussing race seem.
How do we tell our son what color he is? What will society tell him? These are real questions we are faced with as a couple and parents because we are an interracial couple. At times it feels daunting and I get a little worried. Other times I don’t stress too much and feel like hopefully the answers will come to me naturally when our son begins to ask me about his skin tone. I want to protect him and make sure he learns that he gets to decide and tell others how he defines himself. But that doesn’t necessarily change the fact that most people will view him as a black man or a mixed as he grows up and that these labels come with connotations.
Race is a topic that is part of our daily lives and it’s not something we can avoid. But it’s strange to think about how little we get the opportunity to discuss it because it is such a sensitive subject, with even our close friends or family. My partner and I are still finding common language to use with each other to express our experiences or convey our feelings about race. I hope that at least if we continue to talk about it, in an open and non-judgmental way as a family, our child will start to gain some vocabulary to help him express himself when he gets asked the common but micro-aggressive questions- “what are you?” or “where do you come from?”
Please share your thoughts of experiences about this conundrum of defining your own identify or talking with your partner about the challenges of defining yourself/your family/ your child to others. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
K Space 