What color are you?

I remember fondly a fun afternoon my partner and I spent at Point Reyes beach when I was about six months pregnant. We had walked down the beach, away from the fragrant smells of the elephant seals hanging out by the parking lot, and we were enjoying having fun spending some quality time together outdoors. My husband asked me suddenly a fairly serious question- “Kadi, what will you tell our child when they ask you what color they are?” This question didn’t take me completely by surprise as my partner had mentioned to me recently that he didn’t feel like he was “black” because actually his skin color is brown. I responded something like “I’ll tell them they are the color of milk chocolate or caramel, depending on their actual skin tone.” We continued discussing this topic a little more together and our feelings about how inadequate the definitions of “white” and “black” that we/ most of American society easily uses in daily dialogue when discussing race seem.

How do we tell our son what color he is? What will society tell him? These are real questions we are faced with as a couple and parents because we are an interracial couple. At times it feels daunting and I get a little worried. Other times I don’t stress too much and feel like hopefully the answers will come to me naturally when our son begins to ask me about his skin tone. I want to protect him and make sure he learns that he gets to decide and tell others how he defines himself. But that doesn’t necessarily change the fact that most people will view him as a black man or a mixed as he grows up and that these labels come with connotations.

Race is a topic that is part of our daily lives and it’s not something we can avoid. But it’s strange to think about how little we get the opportunity to discuss it because it is such a sensitive subject, with even our close friends or family. My partner and I are still finding common language to use with each other to express our experiences or convey our feelings about race. I hope that at least if we continue to talk about it, in an open and non-judgmental way as a family, our child will start to gain some vocabulary to help him express himself when he gets asked the common but micro-aggressive questions- “what are you?” or “where do you come from?”

Please share your thoughts of experiences about this conundrum of defining your own identify or talking with your partner about the challenges of defining yourself/your family/ your child to others. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

This will never work…

For multicultural or interracial couples, I think inevitably the thought arises “this will never work” and that thedifferences between one another will overcome and overpower the love that is shared. I might be stereotyping a bit but I think often we tend to go to the extreme negative when things hit the fan and the thought of “this isn’t working because of our differences” crops up. I know I used to do it a lot early in my relationship. I’d freak out when we had a fight and think that I was crazy for thinking this would work long term. It was easier to feel better temporarily to think it won’t work and to throw the towel in than hunker down and do the hard self-reflection and repairing required to make any relationship work.

But the reality is that all relationships take a lot of work to keep them strong and healthy. And let’s be honest, it’s just easier to be a bit lazy and not work as hard every day then to meet your partner half way all the time and keep growing individually as well. Certainly, in long term relationships, this happens a lot. Bad habits turn into daily habits without either person really realizing unless you are constantly working hard to connect with your partner. But good habits also turn into daily habits so that’s the pay off.

I cannot say that every interracial or multicultural relationship will work long term. And perhaps that’s for the best for them not too if it becomes toxic, like any relationship can potentially. But I think making the excuse that “this will never work” because you come from a very different place/culture or race then your partner is part of the problem too. This type of rhetoric ignores that multicultural and interracial couples do have to work harder and that’s a choice you’ve made by being in such a relationship. You are going to have to work harder to communicate because there might language barriers. You are going to have to work harder to understand one another’s mental models because you come from different cultures. You are going to have to work harder to talk about racism potentially. Your probably going to have to discuss where your going to live due to restrictions around different nationalities in certain places. And working harder doesn’t mean you’ll always work out in the end either. But how I’ve come to terms with this thought is that I don’t mind working harder because I appreciate being in a multicultural, interracial couple. The benefits far outweigh the negatives and even if my partner and I go our separate ways someday, I will be grateful for all the days we shared together and the love we do share, despite our differences.

 

#amixedlifebychoice

This week I am writing again about the reflections my bestie, Lauren, shared with me about and her relationship with her hubby, Matthew. This post dives in deep to some of the challenges she shared with me and about some of the harder things about their relationship. I so appreciate Lauren’s honesty and openness and want to shout out to everyone and anyone who’s made the life choice to be in a multicultural and interracial relationship. And I’m starting a new hashtag to acknowledge this- #amixedlifebychoice.

Lauren broke it down for me like this “I am a planner and I like to know what I am doing next but my partner likes to live each day to the fullest and be in the moment.” Girl, let’s just say I can relate. Lauren continued that this attitude or outlook on life has a lot to do with personality but it also is a challenge in a multicultural relationship. When you come from different counties, it’s really much harder to stay together long term without planning ahead to ensure you can actually physically stay together. This proved true in Lauren and Matt’s relationship. After living apart and together for periods of time in his country over the years they dated, they decided to get married and Matt moved to the US with a K1 visa. But couples don’t just get K1 visas just because they love each other. In fact, the process is quite grueling and really legally challenging. Not to mention, expensive. So, a lot of planning went in to even get Matthew to be able to come and live in the US long term. And Lauren and Matt are not sure they even want to live together in the US forever either which means they might have to do the same process to get Lauren the rights to live as a resident in the UK someday. “It’s a huge challenge to plan our future geographically due to paperwork and legal status and its constantly on our minds. It’s really hard to settle down somewhere and really appreciate being there because we have to always be thinking about our next move” Lauren mentioned. For someone who loves to plan, this is particularly hard on her. But she noted that it’s a lifestyle that they both chose and that at the present moment, the uncertainty about the next step is perhaps harder on her than it is on him.

So how do Lauren and Matt deal with some of the really hard things that crop up because they’ve chose this life together? Lauren mentioned they depend on their support systems- their friends and family to get them through it all. She said that her best resources and support have been friends who’ve taken similar paths to her- those who’ve also traveled or are in similar positions and are married. Her family has also been very supportive and encouraging. Lauren said “it’s always easier to confide in people who appreciate the same things I do and who understand where I am coming from.” She also mentioned she and Matthew are learning about one another’s support systems and that’s been really helpful too. They are learning to embrace one another’s ways of dealing and coping which is crucial in a multicultural relationship.

Lauren and Matt are not only culturally diverse but they are racially as well. Lauren is mixed race (her mom is Irish and American Indian and her Dad is Eritrean) and Matthew’s birth family is originally from Guyana but he was born and raised in the UK by a white foster family. She mentioned that she never really remembers experiencing any direct negative feedback or stereotypes about being in an interracial relationship when they lived in the UK together which was great since that time allowed for them to build a strong foundation and always feel confident in their love. They never really thought about that being interracial couple as an identifying factor. And Lauren reflected that since they are both from diverse backgrounds, she feels they are more similar than different. However, Lauren mentioned that there have been a few times here in the US when she’s come to realize people’s assumptions about her relationship that reflect their opinions on race. For example, its happened a few times that she will tell people she doesn’t know that well that her husband is British. Later they may come to see a photo of them together and when they see that Matthew is black, they tend to seem a little shocked. Lauren doesn’t really define her and Matt as an interracial couple openly since they come from very diverse backgrounds and because of the ways in which they both were raised. So, she often chooses not to engage with people who seemed shocked or surprised she’s with a black man because it gives her the feeling she has to explain herself to them and she doesn’t have any explaining to do, to anyone.

Overall, Lauren expressed how lucky she feels to be with someone who is culturally different from herself. And she noted multicultural relationships tend to force couples to get to know their partners on a deeper level sometimes quicker than people from the same country or culture. She also noted they have worked through the difficulties and challenges of the immigration process demonstrates how strong their bond and connection is. She realizes that there are a lot of people she knows who’ve been in multicultural relationships that haven’t lasted- and that the hurdles such couples face are hard to handle- K1 visas and legal paperwork to boot. Lauren said “But it’s a process that proves you really love your partner because it’s really hard and difficult to do. If you can make it through that, you can make it through more together.”  She realizes that there are a lot of people she knows who’ve been in multicultural relationships that haven’t lasted- and that the hurdles such couples face are hard to handle- K1 visas and legal paperwork to boot. Lauren said “But it’s a process that proves you really love your partner because it’s really hard and difficult to do. If you can make it through that, you can make it through more together.”

She also reflected later that both her and Matthew really embrace and appreciate so much about one another’s cultures. Matthew has come to love and soak up the beauty of the Pacific Northwest and Lauren always enjoys traveling to London so she can play tourist and immerse herself in British culture.

Thanks Lauren for your time and thoughts and love to you and Matthew always.

 

Blog inspiration: Multi cultural/interracial relationships

I was recently spending a layover of 6 plus hours in the Hong Kong airport and while drinking my first mocha in a while, I started journaling. Between the lack of sleep and the yummy chocolate, caffeine high I was experiencing, I had the idea and started writing down question about interracial couples.  This was one of the inspirations for me staring this blog. I want to create a space to talk about all the good and hard things about being in an interracial, multi-cultural relationship. My husband is a thoughtful, gentle Rasta from Sierra Leone. I am a creative, generous white girl from Seattle, WA in the US. We’ve been together since 2010, married for almost four years and parents to our son since 2016. I am happy to say I still am deeply in love with my partner, who I have always put as “Love of my life” in my phone. We’ve traveled, immigrated, moved countless times and have had many adventures together. We’ve also had many, many fights, arguments, periods of intense, angry silence and miscommunicated more times than I can remember.  Through it all, I had my doubts, frustrations and moments of sadness and have deeply wondered how two people from literally opposite backgrounds can make it. But we have, and we keep trying. And I think that I figured out early-ish on in our relationship that to make it, we were going to have to work REALLY hard. Everyday. And the times when we haven’t been on the best of terms is when we’ve settled into habits and stopped working as hard as we should have. All relationships, whether romantic or platonic, take dedication from both parties. I have also come to realize that when you start off with seemingly nothing in common, sometimes you have to work extra hard. But it’s worth it if you’re both committed.

During my journaling, I started jotting down questions about multi-cultural/interracial couples. I learn by asking questions so I wanted to share these with you all and ask for your help to respond. I’m also a sharer by nature so please help me to keep this as a safe space for those who want to honestly respond. I’m excited to see what you all think!

Preguntas:

1. What initially drew you to your partner?
2. Do you find with your past  relationships you’ve sought out partners from a different background?
3. What are some things you’ve experienced with your partner that’s surprising?
4. What are some things that are challenging or difficult that you face being in a multi-cultural/interracial relationship?
5. What or who are your support systems?
6. How do you interact with one another’s families? Friends? Cultures?
7. How has it been to parent in a multi cultural way?
8. How have you overcome difficult situations together/separately?
9. What compromises have you had to make individually and/or together?
10. How do you navigate stereotypes or misperceptions?
11. What are your dreams as a couple?

So thanks for reading this post and participating in the beginning of my blogging journey and exploration into multicultural/interracial relationships and other themes present in my life.