The “D” wording being divorce in this case. I am a child of divorced parents. While this change drastically impacted my life at age 18 and for a few years afterwards, it has become something I’ve come to accept, appreciate and understand as a 30-year-old who’s also now married myself. In listening to a pod-cast recently about three secrets to avoid divorce, it led me to reflect on this topic and think about what this means to me now.
In a nutshell, the pod cast presenter mentioned that three ways to build a happy marriage is to 1) get married a bit later (in your 30s), 2) ensure there is a REAL power balance in your relationship and 3) ensure (especially as you age) that you can truly rely on your partner. I agree with the logic of course of his points and even appreciated the rational behind the first point. He explained that most people, personality wise, are more like themselves at 30 when they are 50 then they are like their 20-year-old selves. Thus, getting married at 30 sets you and your partner up to understand your habits/ticks/attitudes/behaviors more accurately then getting married in your early 20s.
This was interesting for me to reflect on because I met my partner when I was 22. We didn’t get married though until I was 26 and now at 30 presently, we are expecting our second child next month. In conversations with my husband, we have come to the realization that we both have changed significantly from when we first met many moons ago. We were care free, young, adventurous and loved to party at 22 and 24 back in 2010. And our experiences since have shaped and modeled us as well- living together in Sierra Leone, moving to the US, getting married, becoming parents and “adulting” together. It’s been a challenge of course to remain authentic to ourselves, committed to our relationship and feel the real-life pressures of being full-fledged, independent adults and parents. But I don’t think at the core that either of us have changed that significantly regarding our personalities that we are so unrecognizable to ourselves and each other that we’ll drift apart by the time we are 50. That said, we have our work cut out for ourselves to ensure we dedicate the time, patience and love needed to ensure we continue to grow together as a couple.
Point two also really resonated with me. I have since realized that having a true power balance in a relationship- much less an international, interracial relationship- is super tricky to attain and maintain. There are inherent cultural differences in just about everything my husband and I do and think about- particularly around some of the trickier topics like money, decision making, parenting, etc. So, we must work extra hard to first communicate and understand one another and then make decisions together. We have failed more times than I can count but we also have succeeded in many ways too like how we parent (most of the time), our shared values and prioritizing self-care practices.
For the last point and I think this one is mainly for older couples, I can see why being able to trust and rely on one another as you age is essential. I look forward to learning more with my partner in how we can do this together come the good days and bad in the years to come.
This pod cast also made me reflect on the impacts of my parent’s divorce and my own thinking on the topic. For a few years now, I’ve had this hard-core stance that divorce is off the table for me. Once upon a time as a newly married person, I used to think about it occasionally, like after a terrible fight or when I was in a negative head space. But I decided a few years ago that I wouldn’t even give divorce much of a thought because that type of thinking made me think that ultimately my partner and I couldn’t make it. And I honestly believe we can. Despite our hardest times, I don’t question my love for him or his love for me. So, divorce just doesn’t seem plausible. Granted, we’ve never had to experience anything significantly traumatic (fingers crossed). And as of late, I’ve really made a huge effort to be more ready and willing to forgive us both for our mistakes- we both are just human after all. I suppose I chalk up this attitude to wanting to just stay positive and in a good space rather then let doubt cloud my judgement. We have so many factors going against us potentially- being from different countries, speaking different languages, different education levels, different religions, different skin tones, different genders, etc. that I’ve decided to just focus on what matters most- our bond and our love- knowing that it manifests differently sometimes day to day and could change with time but I’m hopeful well make it last as long as can.
Pod cast: 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce by George Blair-West (Ted Talks Daily)
K Space 