Black history is for everyday

February is officially black history month. But really appreciating, understanding and learning about black history in America needs to happen every time a person opens a history book or get curious about the “origins” of the United States of America. Just one month (and the shortest one of the year) each year will never be enough to help remind people that America’s history is checkered, multicultural, dynamic and complex in relation to a portion of it’s population that was forced to come here, survive centuries of horrific conditions and degrading treatment and who’s ancestors are still treated often as second class citizens simply because of the color of their skin.

I learned about slavery at a pretty young age. I remember getting my American girl doll, Addy when I was about five and my mom and I reading the books about her life story. I have a clear memory of learning about, in a watered down child’s version, the horrible treatment Addy and her family endured. I remember asking my mom why anyone would be treated so and learning it was because she was black. My mom told me we cried about it together when the reality hit me because it was in that moment I realized how insane yet powerful racism was. Then I grew up in a white neighborhood and went to predominately white schools but the understanding that racism existed and still does never really left my mind. I remember my dad teaching us about Martin Luther King Jr and the civil rights movement. I remember getting really excited when Nelson Mandela was finally released from jail. I remember when I went shopping with my friend when we were about 12 years old and someone treated her rudely and she told me she didn’t know if people were mean to her because she did something wrong or because she was black. I remember knowing I had white privilege and feeling guilty about it constantly way before I knew about this concept or even had the words to describe my feelings. I remember giving a speech about the failures of FEMA after Hurricane Katrina at my high school and my peers not understanding why I was drawing the connection between racism and the despicable situation led by the US government unfolding right in front of us. I remember deciding when I got to college to become a history major only after I found out I could do so by studying African history in particular. So for me, black history has been something that I’ve tried, in my own ways, to continue learning about since I was a child.

Living now in Harlem, a historically black neighborhood with such importance and immense legacies, I’ve enjoyed ensuring I read at least one if not two books by black authors each month. Luckily I have a huge selection to pick from as I live only ten blocks from the 135th New York Public Library which is home to the Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture. To me, learning about all of America’s diverse populations, our immense failures as a nation, and understanding the history of how we got to where we all are today is important and necessary. It isn’t something that should be focused on for just a month every year. People can and do spend their entire lives learning, researching and writing about such topics. So black history, and if your American- our collective history, is meant to be shared, discussed and talked about everyday- no matter the color of your skin. And if you are a parent, its important to start these conversations with your children when they are young. Read to them, tell them stories, learn together but do it everyday.

 

All you need is….Love

In honor of Valentine’s day this week, I wanted to post about what this holiday means to me. I get that its become very commercialized and is probably one of the busiest nights of the year for restaurants (besides mother’s day no doubt) but it still has a special place in my heart. I remember loving Valentine’s day at school because it was another holiday focused on candy (Halloween being one of my fav holidays as well) and I loved getting creative and making home made cards.

As I’ve grown up, Valentine’s day has changed in meaning- I don’t really care if I get many cards, sweets or flowers these days. I’ve never really been the type of partner to need/want gifts- I think my love language is much more focused on appreciating physical touch, quality time and receiving words of affirmation. Don’t get me wrong, I think most people like getting gifts, including me, but these days I appreciate having a date with my partner and stealing some quality 1 on 1 time over a bouquet of flowers.

I also think Valentine’s day is a rather lame excuse to show the person/people you love that you love them on just one designated day of the year. This should hopefully be a daily practice- alongside a strong gratitude practice- that reminds you of all you have to be appreciative of and reminding those who matter most to you of that constantly. But I get that it’s meant to be an extra special day so kudos to those of you who make the effort to celebrate with your sweetheart.

With Valentine’s day coming up this week, it reminds me of my reflections about if I think love enough to keep a relationship strong. The truth is I don’t know. I’d like to think love is the key ingredient in any true, loving partnership but I also know that it is messy, emotional, painful and challenging as well as magical, uplifting and powerful. With my roller coaster metaphor, I think most relationships have their ups and downs as couples navigate through the good times and the bad together. What keeps people together in the end, I’d like to learn more and hear from others their thoughts. As for me, love plays a crucial role and for now, its enough to keep the light burning in my relationships even on the rainy, cold days.

Happy Valentine’s Day and enjoy celebrating by dousing those you love in ways that feel authentic to you. ❤

The “d” word

The “D” wording being divorce in this case. I am a child of divorced parents. While this change drastically impacted my life at age 18 and for a few years afterwards, it has become something I’ve come to accept, appreciate and understand as a 30-year-old who’s also now married myself. In listening to a pod-cast recently about three secrets to avoid divorce, it led me to reflect on this topic and think about what this means to me now.

In a nutshell, the pod cast presenter mentioned that three ways to build a happy marriage is to 1) get married a bit later (in your 30s), 2) ensure there is a REAL power balance in your relationship and 3) ensure (especially as you age) that you can truly rely on your partner. I agree with the logic of course of his points and even appreciated the rational behind the first point. He explained that most people, personality wise, are more like themselves at 30 when they are 50 then they are like their 20-year-old selves. Thus, getting married at 30 sets you and your partner up to understand your habits/ticks/attitudes/behaviors more accurately then getting married in your early 20s.

This was interesting for me to reflect on because I met my partner when I was 22. We didn’t get married though until I was 26 and now at 30 presently, we are expecting our second child next month. In conversations with my husband, we have come to the realization that we both have changed significantly from when we first met many moons ago. We were care free, young, adventurous and loved to party at 22 and 24 back in 2010. And our experiences since have shaped and modeled us as well- living together in Sierra Leone, moving to the US, getting married, becoming parents and “adulting” together. It’s been a challenge of course to remain authentic to ourselves, committed to our relationship and feel the real-life pressures of being full-fledged, independent adults and parents. But I don’t think at the core that either of us have changed that significantly regarding our personalities that we are so unrecognizable to ourselves and each other that we’ll drift apart by the time we are 50. That said, we have our work cut out for ourselves to ensure we dedicate the time, patience and love needed to ensure we continue to grow together as a couple.

Point two also really resonated with me. I have since realized that having a true power balance in a relationship- much less an international, interracial relationship- is super tricky to attain and maintain. There are inherent cultural differences in just about everything my husband and I do and think about- particularly around some of the trickier topics like money, decision making, parenting, etc. So, we must work extra hard to first communicate and understand one another and then make decisions together. We have failed more times than I can count but we also have succeeded in many ways too like how we parent (most of the time), our shared values and prioritizing self-care practices.

For the last point and I think this one is mainly for older couples, I can see why being able to trust and rely on one another as you age is essential. I look forward to learning more with my partner in how we can do this together come the good days and bad in the years to come.

This pod cast also made me reflect on the impacts of my parent’s divorce and my own thinking on the topic. For a few years now, I’ve had this hard-core stance that divorce is off the table for me. Once upon a time as a newly married person, I used to think about it occasionally, like after a terrible fight or when I was in a negative head space. But I decided a few years ago that I wouldn’t even give divorce much of a thought because that type of thinking made me think that ultimately my partner and I couldn’t make it. And I honestly believe we can. Despite our hardest times, I don’t question my love for him or his love for me. So, divorce just doesn’t seem plausible. Granted, we’ve never had to experience anything significantly traumatic (fingers crossed). And as of late, I’ve really made a huge effort to be more ready and willing to forgive us both for our mistakes- we both are just human after all. I suppose I chalk up this attitude to wanting to just stay positive and in a good space rather then let doubt cloud my judgement. We have so many factors going against us potentially- being from different countries, speaking different languages, different education levels, different religions, different skin tones, different genders, etc. that I’ve decided to just focus on what matters most- our bond and our love- knowing that it manifests differently  sometimes day to day and could change with time but I’m hopeful well make it last as long as can.

Pod cast: 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce by George Blair-West (Ted Talks Daily)

Tis the season…to remember

My mother in law passed away last week. While it was unexpected, she had not been in the best health and I was worried we would get such a call at some point. My heart aches for my husband and his family and for my own child(ren) who will never have the joy of meeting their grannie. Rest in pease Mamie Timbo, you were so loved and cherished and your presence will be missed.

The holiday season always makes me reflect on those who are not present as we celebrate. I also grew up not knowing my mother’s parents who passed before I was born. I used to wonder what holidays would have been like with them alive. But I’ve also come to appreciate that sometimes celebrating means just recognizing and honoring those who cannot be with us except in spirit. The winter holiday season is a good time to reflect about what really the holidays mean to us, without all the wrapping paper, bows and ribbons. I love giving gifts and making holiday treats and meals but in becoming a mother, my partner and I have had to be more intentional with thinking about traditions that truly have meaning to us and what we want to share with our pikin (children). We’ve chosen not to celebrate Santa and I’m okay with that since the true spirit of Christmas has never really been about presents or the north pole or elves. The magic of this holiday for me comes in being with others and sharing our love in whatever way we choose.

So here’s to the holiday of remembering and celebrating as we head into another year. Be kind to those you cherish the most and honor those who are no longer with us. Happy holidays to you and yours.

Love is….

Love is getting over our misunderstandings and talking about the hard stuff.

Love is waking up at 5:30am and trying to be human enough to feed our bright-eyed toddler.

Love is doing your hair even though I’m tried and would rather go to bed early.

Love is waking up next to you and reminding myself how grateful I am to have you in my life.

Love is when you give me the tightest hugs and then jump all over me.

Love is when I take deep breaths when you’re having a melt down and try to stay calm.

Love is knowing you’ll be home when I get back from a long day at work and welcome me with smile.

Love is missing you both so much when I travel that I cry silently on the plane.

Love is cooking our family nutritious meals every night, well most nights.

Love is letting go, compromising and learning to trust that everything eventually will be alright.

Love is my life with you two, and knowing that even when we’re having rough days, I am still so thankful you are my partner and my son.

Ode to hair

For many of us who are in interracial relationships and are parents, it seems inevitable that you and your partner will eventually have to talk, discuss and deal with the topic of hair. Genetics are a fascinating science and often throw curveballs at you as a parent. In watching a cute Netflix movie recently that focuses a lot on the experience of a black woman and her relationship to hair, it made me reflect and think about my own exposure, curiosity and appreciation to different types of hair.

As a young girl, I wanted an American girl doll. But not just any one, it had to be Addy. When I finally got Addy for Christmas when I was five, I would spend hours not just changing her outfits but also braiding and twisting and playing with her hair. I did not know what I was doing but I had fun none the less. Growing up, we had a long-term nanny who cared for us and became very close to my family. She also raised her daughter along with caring for my brothers and I and her daughter, K, is like a sister to me. K is 8 years younger than me so growing up, she was basically like my real live baby doll and I loved caring and playing with her. Eventually I ended up helping her mom with her weekly hair routine as well- washing, conditioning, oiling and braiding K’s lovely locks on the weekends. As I grew up, I had friends from various backgrounds and began asking questions about their hair routines, mostly to learn and out of curiosity. In middle school I used to dye my hair with my friends out of boredom or occasionally let them cut my hair. In high school, my friends taught me about straightening my unruly wavy thick hair and that became my “fancy” look for a minute. I remember even trying my friend’s hot iron once in an attempt to tame my hair and make it straight (which is essentially futile if you grow up in rainy Seattle).

In college I started following my friends to the black hair stores in San Francisco and sometimes experimented with different products on my hair- learning about all the many types of products, ingredients and options for different types of hair was exciting. After I met my partner as well in Sierra Leone, I learned a lot about the beautiful styles people with locks can rock and the time, energy and commitment it takes for some people to wear their hair natural. Fast forward to the birth of our baby in 2016, Haj and I had no idea what to expect of our baby’s hair. But once he was born, we realized we’d figure it out along the way. Thankfully, our son has lots of amazing aunties who always give me the best advice on how to help keep his hair strong and healthy.

So this reflection is an ode to all types of hair, and an acknowledgement and appreciation that it is a loaded topic for many to discuss. I recognize that there is also no one “right” way for anyone to wear or style their hair and that all of us have life long hair journeys. I am grateful to keep learning and experimenting along with my family it our journey of appreciating all of our different types of hair.

What color are you?

I remember fondly a fun afternoon my partner and I spent at Point Reyes beach when I was about six months pregnant. We had walked down the beach, away from the fragrant smells of the elephant seals hanging out by the parking lot, and we were enjoying having fun spending some quality time together outdoors. My husband asked me suddenly a fairly serious question- “Kadi, what will you tell our child when they ask you what color they are?” This question didn’t take me completely by surprise as my partner had mentioned to me recently that he didn’t feel like he was “black” because actually his skin color is brown. I responded something like “I’ll tell them they are the color of milk chocolate or caramel, depending on their actual skin tone.” We continued discussing this topic a little more together and our feelings about how inadequate the definitions of “white” and “black” that we/ most of American society easily uses in daily dialogue when discussing race seem.

How do we tell our son what color he is? What will society tell him? These are real questions we are faced with as a couple and parents because we are an interracial couple. At times it feels daunting and I get a little worried. Other times I don’t stress too much and feel like hopefully the answers will come to me naturally when our son begins to ask me about his skin tone. I want to protect him and make sure he learns that he gets to decide and tell others how he defines himself. But that doesn’t necessarily change the fact that most people will view him as a black man or a mixed as he grows up and that these labels come with connotations.

Race is a topic that is part of our daily lives and it’s not something we can avoid. But it’s strange to think about how little we get the opportunity to discuss it because it is such a sensitive subject, with even our close friends or family. My partner and I are still finding common language to use with each other to express our experiences or convey our feelings about race. I hope that at least if we continue to talk about it, in an open and non-judgmental way as a family, our child will start to gain some vocabulary to help him express himself when he gets asked the common but micro-aggressive questions- “what are you?” or “where do you come from?”

Please share your thoughts of experiences about this conundrum of defining your own identify or talking with your partner about the challenges of defining yourself/your family/ your child to others. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Building my life here too

I had the opportunity to chat with a friend recently about his relationship with his partner. It was a really special experience because I’ve also spoken to his girlfriend recently as well so it was awesome to hear his perspectives.  While this couple has been together for about 4 years, he mentioned that it is his first time dating someone from another country. They met at work and were colleagues and friends initially but the attraction grew to be more. However, they were able to keep it casual at work so that for the first 6 months so other team members didn’t even realize they were in a relationship.

What I appreciated so much from our conversation was how thoughtful my friend’s answers were about each question I asked him and his ability to articulate very deep and profound responses. Something he discussed was how drama free he feels his current relationship to be and that it has been his first real experience of a drama free partnership. He mentioned that he and his partner do have disagreements at times but they’ve committed to talking through them instead of letting misperceptions or issues fester and negatively impact their love. In reflection, he mentioned that this seems different from past relationships where other people’s opinions would influence or sometimes brew up drama as well. He feels that because he lives in the UK and he and his partner have similar personalities and preferences, they are able to talk through hard issues or disagreements respectively. He also noted that he made a very conscious effort to build a life for himself in the UK that was separate and full when starting his relationship with his girlfriend. This was very important to him because he didn’t want to be dependent on her in that way. He wanted to ensure he not only had his own independence but wanted to live in the UK as well, beyond just being in a relationship with a woman who holds British nationality. So eloquently he said “In a multicultural relationship, you may be more prone to problems or challenges in the relationship if you ‘move’ to another country for the other person but don’t create your own life there as well”.

When discussing compromises, my friend mentioned that most couples have to do this constantly. He said he has to judge what to compromise on with his partner and with himself in order to strike a balance. Initially, he was invited to move in with his girlfriend when she bought a flat a few years ago. But he decided he needed some more time to live separately first, not because he didn’t love her but because he needed to define his own life in the UK and wanted to do that before moving in together. Now the two co-habit a cute, cozy two bedroom flat in north London and enjoy it very much. Both have continued to lead their own lives full of friends, activities, and hobbies/passions that keep them busy but obviously enjoy their quality time together as well.  He also mentioned that he and his partner like to plan very differently. She likes to schedule things in advance. He likes to wing it and be spontaneous. In reflecting about his culture, he thinks this is a common practice of Brazilians to wait to the last minute on organizing things. However, while living in the UK, he’s come to realize he has to sometimes commit to things in the future but that they can also still enjoy deciding whether or not to go out on a Friday night just an hour in advance. He describes that his relationship has a lot of flexibility. His partner and he talk things through, especially when it comes to personal/cultural preferences to avoid hurting feelings or making assumptions. Since the two have travelled quite a bit together, they had to discuss how he likes to spend time alone and even travel alone at times. It’s not because he doesn’t love spending time with her, just that he may want to have some down time or visit with friends/family on his own.

We also had some laughs over preference in noise and loud music. It seems he likes to listen to louder, faster music, even later in the evening when his partner would prefer quieter or softer music. He also explained that his partner loves listening to the radio, something he wasn’t as used to doing before living with her. He remarked that there is a lot of acceptance between them and that they have had a lot of conversations since moving in together about preferences. He mentioned that compromise has to go both ways, it cannot always just be committing to doing things one person’s way. You have to be open and accepting to doing and trying new things when in a multicultural relationship.

Thanks as always for your time my friend and sending you and your lovely GF all my love.

 

 

 

This will never work…

For multicultural or interracial couples, I think inevitably the thought arises “this will never work” and that thedifferences between one another will overcome and overpower the love that is shared. I might be stereotyping a bit but I think often we tend to go to the extreme negative when things hit the fan and the thought of “this isn’t working because of our differences” crops up. I know I used to do it a lot early in my relationship. I’d freak out when we had a fight and think that I was crazy for thinking this would work long term. It was easier to feel better temporarily to think it won’t work and to throw the towel in than hunker down and do the hard self-reflection and repairing required to make any relationship work.

But the reality is that all relationships take a lot of work to keep them strong and healthy. And let’s be honest, it’s just easier to be a bit lazy and not work as hard every day then to meet your partner half way all the time and keep growing individually as well. Certainly, in long term relationships, this happens a lot. Bad habits turn into daily habits without either person really realizing unless you are constantly working hard to connect with your partner. But good habits also turn into daily habits so that’s the pay off.

I cannot say that every interracial or multicultural relationship will work long term. And perhaps that’s for the best for them not too if it becomes toxic, like any relationship can potentially. But I think making the excuse that “this will never work” because you come from a very different place/culture or race then your partner is part of the problem too. This type of rhetoric ignores that multicultural and interracial couples do have to work harder and that’s a choice you’ve made by being in such a relationship. You are going to have to work harder to communicate because there might language barriers. You are going to have to work harder to understand one another’s mental models because you come from different cultures. You are going to have to work harder to talk about racism potentially. Your probably going to have to discuss where your going to live due to restrictions around different nationalities in certain places. And working harder doesn’t mean you’ll always work out in the end either. But how I’ve come to terms with this thought is that I don’t mind working harder because I appreciate being in a multicultural, interracial couple. The benefits far outweigh the negatives and even if my partner and I go our separate ways someday, I will be grateful for all the days we shared together and the love we do share, despite our differences.

 

Creating our own traditions

My partner and I seem to keep discussing and trying to figure out how to create our own family traditions. Since we both come from very different cultures and parts of the world but have a son now together, it’s been tricky to decided what to celebrate while staying respectful and authentic. I love Christmas and Santa was a big deal for me growing up. But bae doesn’t dig him- I mean the image that pops into his mind is of an old, bearded white dude who breaks into your home at night and leaves presents for your children. When he breaks it down that way, I see his point- Santa sounds super creepy. So, we do celebrate Christmas but give our kiddo presents from us and family. But I worry he won’t grow up believing in magic and I loved having that belief when I was a kid. I mean I grew up in the era of Harry Potter so even on my worst days as an adult, I sometime look at the window and hope to see that owl that forgot to mail my Hogwarts letter all these years later and to learn that I am not just a muggle after all. Anyway, my point is I think there is something to letting your child believe in something bigger and using their imagination.

Back to traditions though- it’s been really hard to figure out what to do. We both share ideas occasionally as the holiday season ramps up but since moving to the US, we tend to spend the major holidays with my family since we are at least located in the same country. But that means we tend to just celebrate US holidays. However, bae practiced Ramadan this year for the first time since I met him (yes, it’s been a hot minute to say the least) and I was really proud of him. Yet I didn’t really know that that all meant and it wasn’t easy per say to be supportive of him and also be super understanding when he wanted to lay in bed for two weekends straight because his body was adjusting to fasting. I wanted to spend quality family time outside of the house and I get that he needed to rest but we have a toddler so I was trying to exert some energy or at least have my son burn some calories outdoors.

Living in a multicultural home is complicated and layered. The territory comes with having to discuss the mundane things other couples might take for granted and share feelings, thoughts and ideas and at times, get in arguments about stuff you never thought you would. But it’s pretty cool to learn about another culture and to think critically about what really does matter to you and why. And questioning your own culture is healthy I think as there are some pretty messed up historical things Americans still celebrate that are obtuse and at this day and age, just offensive. So, what are our traditions? Well let’s just say it’s a work in progress. But one tradition I am proud to say our family has figure out is the creation of a new language- kringlish. While the term was coined by a friend of a friend, I’ve come to identify kringlish as the one our little guy speaks very quickly and proficiently that seems like a mixture of English and Krio but really is just his own. Bae and I are trying to become fluent but aren’t quite there yet. For now, our tradition has been encouraging our peanut to speak in any language, kringlish being his default, to express himself and communicate. And I have to say, I sort of love the tradition of us all laughing hysterically after we’ve been straight cussed out by a sassy toddler and not knowing at all what has actually been said – I love that our tradition as a family can be to find the humor in life and at least make each other crack up.

Photo credit: @instamattography